


After All This Time (I See Myself Holding a Pair of Thick, Woolen Socks)

by uponasoapbox



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Legilimency, M/M, Memories, Mirror of Erised, Occlumency, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-07-27
Packaged: 2019-06-17 07:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15455880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uponasoapbox/pseuds/uponasoapbox
Summary: Alternatively titled "Albus Dumbledore is a Heartsick Liar."Albus Dumbldore's memory of the final duel with Grindelwald, brought on by the Mirror of Erised (if you're looking for lightheartedness or humor, just scroll right on past this one).





	After All This Time (I See Myself Holding a Pair of Thick, Woolen Socks)

**Author's Note:**

> The dialogue for the Mirror scenes is directly quoted/adapted from the Sorcerer's Stone book and movie.

            Albus Dumbledore was not in the habit of spying on students. However, when said students were displaying early signs of addiction to the Mirror of Erised, he was inclined to make an exception.  
  
            When the warning charms around the Mirror informed him of Harry’s presence the first night, Albus was unconcerned, moved more with pity than anything else. The second night, he was wary, but the youngest Weasley son had the good sense to pull Harry away from the Mirror before too long. The third night was troubling, and so Albus made up his mind to address the problem firsthand, and he made his way over to the empty classroom holding the Mirror as soon as the moon rose. Albus carefully avoided looking into the Mirror as he waited. He knew what it would show him. There was no use reopening wounds.  
  
            It wasn’t long before Harry arrived, his footsteps giving away everything his father’s invisibility cloak sought to conceal. “So — back again, Harry?”  
  
            The poor child was clearly startled and stuttered some unintelligible response and excuse.  
  
            Albus couldn’t help but smile. “Strange how nearsighted being invisible can make you.” He crossed the room to address Harry more directly, still careful not to look into the charmed glass. “So, you, like hundreds before you, have discovered the delights of the Mirror of Erised. I expect by now you’ve realized what it does?”  
  
            The boy furrowed his brow in concentration, but after a moment simply shook his head.  
  
            “Let me explain. The happiest man on earth would be able to look into the Mirror and see himself exactly as he is. Does that help?”  
  
            Albus saw everything beginning to click into place in Harry’s mind. “It shows is what we want … whatever we want …”  
  
            Albus nodded. “Yes and no. It shows us nothing more or less than the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts.” Harry looked thoughtful, but his eyes kept flitting to the Mirror. “However, this mirror will give us neither knowledge nor truth,” Albus urged. “Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen, or else been driven mad, not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible.” Albus kept himself from admitting the dangerous effect the Mirror had had on him when he first found it.  
  
            “The Mirror will be moved to a new home tomorrow, Harry, and I must ask that you not go looking for it again. It does not do to dwell on the past and forget to live. Now, why don’t you slip that charming cloak back on and go off to bed?”  
  
            The boy looked appropriately chastened and stood, about to make his way to the door, but stopped and fixed Albus with a curious look.  
  
            “Professor? Can I ask you something?”  
  
            Albus hummed, knowing precisely what was coming. “Obviously, you’ve just done so. You may ask me one last thing, however,” he said, smiling gently.  
  
            “What do you see when you look in the Mirror?” The look on Harry’s face was so genuine, Albus couldn’t bring himself to resent the boy for even a moment, despite the memories he’d unwittingly dredged up.  
  
            Finally, Albus looked directly into the Mirror. Beside his own reflection was a face Albus knew all too well, a mop of blond hair he would recognize blind, and a smile that felt like coming home and being ripped apart all at once.  
  
            It was only an instant before Albus answered Harry’s question, but in that split second he completely relived the last time he’d seen that face. It had been nearly eighty years ago. “I? I see … “

+++

  
  
            As Albus waited for the temporary nausea of apparition to pass, he took a moment to observe his surroundings. Gellert’s old fortress stood before him, a towering mass of gray stone and moss, seemingly crumbling but of course magically reinforced. The very air vibrated with the strength of the wards protecting the construction.  
  
            But as he took a step forward, Albus encountered no barriers, no shields to deconstruct, no curses to break, not even a gate to unlock. Gellert was expecting him, then. He should’ve known.  
  
            After making his way up the front stairs, Albus cautiously pushed open the ancient double doors at the entryway. Taking a breath, he continued through the front hall and into the ballroom, where he knew Gellert would be waiting.  
  
            The room was empty, cleared of all its furniture and decoration. Albus’s footsteps echoed on the polished floorboards as he looked up and across the room at the old rosewood staircase. And there he was.  
  
            Gellert Grindelwald sat proudly on the banister, spine perfectly straight. He gazed down at Albus with an almost bored expression, wand twirling in one hand, the other resting gently on the stair rail. “Albus. I expected you sooner,” he smiled. “Been waiting around for days.”  
  
            “You left me an opening in your wards,” Albus said. His voice was rough.  
  
            “You’d have got in if I hadn’t.” Gellert flicked a few stray strands of blond hair out of his eyes. “No point wasting the energy.”  
  
            “You wanted me to find you.”  
  
            Gellert made a noncommittal hum and hopped off the banister, landing neatly on the floor. He met Albus’s tired look with a raise of his eyebrows. “You knew where I’d be.”  
  
            The memories threatened to overwhelm Albus, recollections of a million moments shared on these grounds. But he steeled himself against the storm. “I’ve come to ask you to stop.”  
  
            “Just to ask?”

  
            “I thought I’d ask first, but you’re going to stop no matter what, Grindelwald.” The formality of the last name left a sourness in Albus’s mouth, and from Gellert’s reaction, he’d noticed.  
  
            “Oh _Dumbledore_ , darling, I’m sure I don’t know what you mean,” Gellert laughed. “There’s nothing to stop. I’ve hardly even started.” Albus would have almost thought the sound genuine if it weren’t for Gellert’s sudden grip on his elder wood wand.  
  
            “You’re not leaving me much of a choice, old friend,” Albus warned, tightening his hold on his own wand.  
  
            “Now now, Albus, is that all I am to you?” It was a cheap jab, but it stung nonetheless. Albus’s gaze dropped, eyes focusing on Gellert’s dragonhide boots. They were starting to show their wear.  
  
            “You know what you are to me,” Albus said, voice barely above a whisper.  
  
            “Carpe retractum” Gellert muttered, and suddenly Albus was pulled across the room towards his friend, his enemy, his world. Grabbing Albus by the collar, Gellert whispered into Albus’s ear. “Tell me, Allie. What exactly am I?”  
  
            Albus grasped Gellert’s arm with a sharp intake of breath. It was the first contact they’d had in ages. “I hate you,” he spat. Both wizards held their wands at their sides, momentarily forgotten.  
  
            Gellert’s grip loosened, and he dropped his head onto Albus’s shoulder. And damn it if despite everything that had happened there wasn’t still a familiar comfort in this. Albus delicately placed his hand on the back of Gellert’s neck, thumb stroking the sensitive skin there. “I hate you,” Albus whispered again, shaking his head. “You’re nothing to me.”  
   
            “If I were nothing to you, you wouldn’t have come. You’d have sent another Scamander after me. Or a team of Aurors,” Gellert murmured into Albus’s neck. “It’s your weakness, Allie. You always cared too much. You still do. You missed me.”  
  
            “You can miss something without wanting it back, G.”  
  
            Gellert raised his head, and Albus caught a glimpse of softness in his eyes, a flash of the boy he once knew, before it was all masked with a wicked grin. “You just admitted it. You missed me.”  
  
            “Exactly as much as you missed me. How about that?” Albus said flatly, pushing Gellert away. “And don’t let’s act as if I could ever even think about forgiving you.”    
  
            “Only as much as you could think about forgiving yourself, eh?” Gellert prompted.  
  
            And again, the memories welled up. Familiar blue eyes. A precious girl’s clear laugh. A shout. A flash of sparks. A flood of crimson. The light fading from a precious girl’s-no. Albus fought back the tidal wave. He would use this pain, not the other way around.  
  
            Albus’s knees wobbled, and Gellert sneered, thinking he’d hit his mark. He opened his mouth to push further, but before he could say anything-  
  
            “LEGILIMENS!”  
  
            And for all that Gellert Grindelwald was one of the most powerful wizards of his time and a master occlumens to boot, this would be his downfall. He had never in his life made a ward he meant to keep out Albus Dumbledore.  
   
            Gellert was defenseless now, a reluctant spectator forced to relive every moment of his life that he’d shut away. And suddenly he’s-

  
  
_“Gellert Grindelwald, pleased to make your acquaintance.”  
  
Kind blue eyes. A firm handshake that lingered a beat too long.  
  
“Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.”  
  
A throaty laugh.  
  
“That’s a mouthful. How about Allie?”  
  
“Not sure about that. We’ll see.”  
   
Flushed cheeks and was that a wink?_

 _  
_  
Gellert’s heart started to ache, but before he could think he was-

  
  
_“Wishing you the happiest of birthdays, Ariana dear. Eleven is a big year.”  
  
A small parcel containing a few pieces of charmed jewelry passed into soft hands.  
  
“Oh, and the butterfly pendants flap their wings! You’re too kind, Gellert.”  
  
A precious girl’s soft voice and the grateful eyes of her brother.  
  
A slice of butter yellow birthday cake with strawberry jam. Icing sugar stuck to smiling red lips, begging to be kissed away, but Gellert doesn’t think about that.    
  
“What did you call it, Ariana?”  
  
A girl who couldn’t be more devoted to her brother.  
  
“Victoria sandwich. Albus made it.”  
  
“Can’t believe you’re eating this Muggle stuff, honestly. Not that it doesn’t taste amazing, Allie. But the principle. Come on, Aberforth, back me up.”  
  
“I’ll do no such thing.”  
  
A warning squeeze on his knee.  
  
Feet clad in thick, woolen socks, tangled together on a sacked-out couch after everyone else went to bed.  
  
“Why isn’t she going to Hogwarts?”  
  
“You know why, G. She can’t control her powers. It’s a danger to the other students.”  
  
“Durmstrang then. Merlin knows nobody there minds the danger. Those Muggle boys who hurt her, they’re typical. You can’t trust any of them. Damn Statute of Secrecy.”  
  
“Don’t start that up again. You know my mum’s-“  
  
“Yeah Allie, I know. But your grandparents are the exception. Living in the shadows has done us no good.”  
  
A heavy sigh.  
  
“Hey. You liked my cake.”  
  
A playful shove.  
  
“Alright, maybe I did, a bit.”_

 _  
  
_ Gellert’s hands start to tremble and he’s-

 

_“Never known anyone like you, Albus. You really are something.”  
  
Flushed cheeks.  
  
“A good something, yeah?”  
  
“Yeah, Allie. The best.”  
  
A cautious hand, a firm squeeze on the shoulder, fingertips just grazing the back of his neck, and is this the moment?  
   
Lips pressed together for the first time. Everything in the world clicking into place._

_  
  
_ Gellert’s blinking back tears, and so is Albus, but you don’t need to see to practice legilimency, so Albus keeps pushing, and he’s-

  
  
_“An absolute, undisputed genius! Just think. Masters of Death, you and me.”  
  
A triumphant smile.  
  
“Don’t be too quick, G. All we’ve got is a good hunch about one of the families.”  
  
“That’s more than anyone’s had on the Hallows in ages, Allie! We can do this.”  
  
A sloppy kiss that tasted like Firewhiskey.  
  
“Hey, I’m serious. Slow down. Just because we can find them-”  
  
“You’re ruining the moment.”  
  
A rough push against the wall. A nip at the neck. Surrender. _

_  
_  
Gellert’s knees give out, and he collapses onto the floor. The elder wood wand falls from his hand, but he doesn’t notice because he’s-

  
  
_“Not being fair, G. I can’t go searching for the Hallows at the drop of a hat. Ariana needs me. She has no one left. You know I would if I could.”  
  
 A bitterness welling up inside.  
  
“That’s not enough! I need you. Ariana has Aberforth. Once we find the Hallows she’ll have your mother back, too. You have to come.”  
  
“I can help you from here. I just need time to sort everything out, and I will come with you. Once Aberforth’s out of school. Just another year. Or maybe I can arrange for one of the families around here to watch over her-”  
  
“Oh, so she can get indoctrinated by the Muggles? No, she should be in school, and you should be with me.”  
  
Crackles of unrestrained magic threatening to boil over.  
  
“There’s nowhere I’d rather be, you know that.”  
  
“I’m not so sure these days.”  
  
Half an apology, half a compromise. The knowledge that nothing has truly been fixed._

 _  
  
_ Albus has won now, he knows it as he wordlessly summons the elder wood wand to his free hand. But he can’t stop now. He’s draining all the poison from a wound that’s festered too long. Gellert is lying at Albus’s feet, helpless, and he doesn’t-

 _  
  
“Even know you anymore, Albus. Two years ago, you would’ve given up anything for this chance. I have a lead on the Elder Wand and you’re just going to sit around here acting like you don’t care?”  
  
A precious girl peeking out through the window at the three men, the only family she has, threatening each other outside.  
  
“Of course I care! But I have obligations.”  
  
A brother’s disbelief. A storm brewing.  
  
“Listen to the two of you. Gellert Grindelwald, all you’ve ever caused is harm here. Always trying to take Albus away from us, acting like the world isn’t enough for you. As if he wasn’t already too proud for this family before you came along. And just when he’s starting to sort it all out, you have the audacity to darken our doorstep?”  
  
“Aberforth, give him a break. Gellert’s been a brother to you for years.”  
  
“Gellert’s been a brother? _ You _haven’t even been a brother to me! You’re too busy chasing after fairy tales. Even if they_ are _real, don’t you know all those things bring is misery, even in the stories?”  
  
A moment’s hesitation. A precious girl scared to death of where this is headed, knuckles white from her grip on the doorframe.  
  
“Don’t listen to him, Albus. He’s never wanted you to live up to your potential.”  
  
“All I’ve ever wanted is for him to live up to his potential! In this family! Ariana worships you, Albus. Are you really going to leave her like this? For him?”  
  
“Will both of you just shut your mouths? I need to think.”  
  
A scream in unison.  
  
“You shouldn’t have to think about this!”  
  
The first spell cast. A three-way duel. Blurred alliances.  
  
A fierceness unleashed. A precious girl running into the fray, desperately trying to make it all stop. A shout. A flash of sparks. A flood of crimson. The light fading from a precious girl’s eyes.  
  
A three-man battle with a single casualty and no victor. A victim with three killers. A burden shared but never lightened. A weight none of them will ever be free of.  
  
Bonds broken between lovers and brothers and what could have been friends. _

_  
_  
            Albus finally released his spell, chest heaving.  
  
            Gellert sputtered, trying to recover himself.  
  
            “Grindelwald. It’s over,” Albus panted.  
  
            “You should know I’m. Not defenseless just because I’m wandless,” Gellert managed, pushing himself up to lean on his elbows.  
  
            Albus swallowed thickly. “I wish I’d never met you.”  
  
            And despite the tear tracks on his face, the blotchiness of his skin, and the shadow of what might have been remorse in his eyes, Gellert forced out a hollow chuckle. “You’re only saying that because you regret not joining me while you had the chance. I still would have taken you, you know? After the fight. I mean, your _obligations_ were finally dealt with, I don’t know why you-”  
  
            Albus Dumbledore, who now possessed the most powerful wand in the world, kicked Gellert Grindelwald, the most wanted, most dangerous wizard in the world, in the ribs until he heard cracking.  
  
            “Don’t you dare speak of her. You have no right to so much as think of her after what you did,” Albus spat at the heaving mess before him.  
  
            Gellert coughed blood onto the polished floors. “I know. I know.” Gellert cried, voice cracking. And this was Grindelwald defeated. Broken and bloodied and brain-addled, he finally let the facades fall. “Allie, I _know_. But I can bring her back for you. I can bring her back, if you just help me.”  
  
            “Don’t pretend you ever cared about her. Or me,” Albus’s throat was closing up.  
  
            “You were just inside my head,” he said softly. “You would know.”  
  
            And Albus did know. “Ferula,” he murmured. White bandages bound Gellert’s chest. “Episkey.”  
  
            Gellert cried out as the surface wounds healed. “What, you’re not going to fix the bones, too?” he asked after a moment.  
  
            “You deserve a reminder of what happened here.” Albus gingerly helped Gellert to his feet, letting the injured wizard lean against him for support as Albus guided him back to the staircase to sit down.  
  
            “And with that reminder, you’ll let me go?”  
  
            “Of course not. I told you I was going to stop you. The Aurors are on their way. I sent them a message while you were … incapacitated. They’re still struggling with the wards, no doubt. We have a few minutes.” Gellert snorted. “I was planning on locking you inside this place. It’ll be a personal Azkaban, but I think I can talk everyone out of the Dementor’s Kiss.”  
  
            “Why are you helping me?”  
  
            Albus sighed, looking down at Grindelwald’s boots again. They had a bloodstain at the ankle. “You know what you are to me.”  
  
            “Is that forgiveness?”  
  
            “Absolutely not. You’ve killed innocents, G. You’ve done unspeakable things, and if I were to leave right now, you’d carry on doing them. But I’m-. I saw the guilt in you. I want you to feel it fully. Can’t do that without a soul.”  
  
            Gellert leaned his head onto Albus’s shoulder but said nothing. Albus kissed his temple, then shrugged him off gently, turning to look him straight in the eye.  
  
            “I really do hate you. And I’ll never, ever forgive you-”  
  
            Gellert grabbed Albus’s hand, squeezing it between his own. “Allie?”  
  
            “Shut up. I can’t forgive you. But I am better than you. So you’re going to live here, sealed in, for the rest of your life. And I won’t visit. But I couldn’t-. You never could be nothing to me, G.” Albus pulled his hand free and rose from his seat on the stairs.  
  
            “Won’t you kiss me goodbye?”  
  
            “Why should I? You never did.” Despite himself, Albus bent over and pressed a kiss to the top of Gellert’s head. Gellert sighed, reaching his hand up to hold a cheek still wet with tears. Albus allowed himself a moment to breathe in the scent of the most important man in his life, whom he would never see again, and then he straightened. “Goodbye,” he whispered, and then he turned around, slowly left the ballroom, and didn’t look back.  
  
            If Gellert responded, Albus didn’t hear it.

+++

  
            “I see myself holding a pair of thick, woolen socks.”  
  
            Harry blinked owlishly, and Albus had to stop himself from laughing. “One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone, and I didn’t get a single pair. People insist on giving me books.” Albus forced into that lie all the serene charm and mystery he could muster. He could only hope his look into the Mirror hadn’t disturbed him as much outwardly as it did inwardly.  
  
            Regardless, Harry didn’t seem too skeptical of Albus’s answer—perhaps because the boy was accustomed to hand-me-downs and could understand the desire—and went off to bed, bidding the Headmaster a quiet ‘goodnight, sir’ before going on his way.  
  
            Albus sighed and resigned himself to spending one final night with the Mirror. If anyone asked, he could say he was simply reviewing the new spells he was adding for the Stone.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 


End file.
